Despite being told all last week and as late as Tuesday lunch that I would not be taking the stand to testify until Wednesday morning, the proceedings went quicker than anticipated and I found myself staring out at my lawyer while swearing an oath to the tune of "the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" . . . so help me God, PLEASE don't let me screw this up!!  What a gruelling experience.  One cannot be prepared for the cross-examination of a quick witted lawyer like Tanya Jones.  Hats off to her.  She's doing a damn good job at representing my little one's mom.  I was convinced that I had done a horrible job.  I was so tongue-tied, and was guzzling back the water like it was going out of style.  And ole unrepresented dad causing as much trouble as he possibly can.  Such ridiculous questions. 

I stopped in for team meeting this morning before heading back to trial, and provided a brief update, and in true Colleen-must-beat-myself-up-because-I'm-a-perfectionist-style, I advised the team that I had done a horrible job representing the agency and this file.  Of course my lawyer caught wind of this, and advised me following the noon break that she had phoned Nick, my supervisor, during her lunch, advising him that I was a silly bird and that I had done a fine job on the stand.  And I had to promise Nick not to come back tomorrow morning at the agency with more bruises from the beating I was giving myself.  He stated that I was far too hard on myself and that he had had confidence all along that I had done well yesterday, and that he found it amusing when Pam called him to confirm that.  It did help to ease my suffering.  I thought I was going to be sick last night I was so disappointed in myself.  I really must learn to lighten up on myself . . . .

Monday will mark the day of my very first trial for permanent care and custody.  The little one is just 3-years-old, and very adoptable, and so we have a family placement lined up for out-of-province once we are successful with our application.  And we will be successful.  This is number 6 for this mom, and we have no reason to believe that the courts will rule in her favor.  Even her own lawyer stated during a settlement conference that she has no hope for her client.  Simply because nothing has changed with this woman in the 20+ years she has been involved with child welfare.  She is still emotionally unavailable, choosing her violent and drug abusing partner time and time again over her children.  When faced with the choice - children or partner - she picks partner.  He is currently serving out another sentence in New Brunswick, but will be making the trip here to Halifax for the festivities.  He is unrepresented and I have the joy of being cross-examined by this poor excuse of a human being.  I know that those social workers who work in, shall we say, "tamer" environments, are cringing that I would be so judgemental of these parents.  "Surely it is the system!"  "We must rid ourselves of bias!"  Blah, blah, blah!  My clients are the kids, not the parents, and I make that abundantly clear to the parents on my caseload.  I am quite direct when I tell my families that I will work with them so long as that works for the children - if it doesn't work for the children, then I will no longer work with you.  Children run on a very different timeline than adults, and we don't have time to waste on parents who refuse to engage with the services our agency offers.  This is not to say that I am not empathetic or respectful.  Hey I can sit down with child molesters and maintain great composure!  But you can't do this job unless your focus is on the little ones whose lives have been entrusted to your watchful eye.  They depend on us to make good decisions, to ensure that they are being protected from harm.  When I did my field placement at the hospital, I could afford to be more lovey-dovey with my clients, and while I have good relationships with the majority of my parents now, there is no forgetting by either party that I represent an agency that has the power to remove their children from their care, no matter how many sob stories they might serve up.  Quite the little rant.  I will be living at the Family Court next week.  Wearing my fancy court duds.  Several of my colleagues will also be taking the stand to speak to their involvement with this case.  A lot of laughs shared around the lunch room regarding this one.  Black humour - it's what gets you through.

Happy 2007 Everyone!!

My cousin Jaclyn and Jason made their way through the sleet to spend the holiday with yours truly.  After many festive drinks, we made our way downtown to the square to ring in the new year with fellow Haligonians and Bruce Guthro.  The fireworks were quite fantastic!  A night to remember and completely relaxed, which is how I prefer to celebrate New Years Eve. 

Back to work tomorrow.  Haven't had too many days off this holiday season.  No tea with the Cockburns and no reunion with the gals.  It seems we are all growing up . . . .

My first core training week is fast approaching, and lucky me, I get to share the experience with dear friend Michelle!  Together again!! 

And Heather Ruth will soon be here - January 10th!  I can't wait to see her - it has been far TOO long since we last shared an evening of fun.  But perhaps there will be more . . . the resumes have gone out to Calgary . . . now I wait . . . .